monday 17th of october 11:29pm

I think I started this blog wanting it to be somewhat professional, but really that’s not working. I think I just need to get my words out of my head and onto something a little more tangible.

Today was okay but I was still a little bit out of it. The brightness of the sun and light distracts me from focusing on the present. Moments in time are passing before I even can realise what’s going on. Instead, I can’t react and I feel myself missing out on so many things. I just always stay in my head. And that’s rough.

The truth is, I don’t know how to be happy right now. The people around me are falling apart and I’m merely on the sidelines for everyone. But I can’t feed those thoughts because otherwise things will get worse.

The truth is, I’m confused. I don’t know who I am. Or how I am. And when I look in the mirror, I’m not sure if that’s really me there.

These weren’t words that worked out very well but this might start helping soon.

I hope so

lamplit presences and the unreturning light

“Years cannot move;

Nor Death’s disorienting scale

distort…”

– Gwen Harwood

I’m finding myself mourning the past, neglecting the present and worried for the future. Instead, I’m stuck in my head as my surroundings pass me like a movie scene that I’m merely viewing on a screen. The only reminder of my presence is the feel of wind on my skin, keeping me grounded but somehow never blowing me away. So I run to the ocean, where the breeze is strongest and the drops of the ocean are swept towards me with it. I stopped shaving my legs so the hairs sway against my skin, each as little reminders that I am here. The past is gone, but that’s okay. Nothing, not even time or Death, can take away memories. They are yours.

But then again,

Never is a really long time.

I miss you.

R.I.P.

Growing Up & Leaving Behind Your Teenage Years

It would be an understatement to say that my teenage years have been eventful at the very least. Tonight, on the eve of my 20th birthday and my last few hours as a teenager, I can’t help but reflect on my 13 year old self and reminisce on all those years spent growing up. The last few months, as the inevitability of my growing up-ness was realised, I couldn’t help but struggle to hold onto what I would be leaving behind. I’d become very nostalgic and overwhelmed with melancholy.

A lot happened in my teenage years. I was bullied and driven into depression by someone who I thought was one of my closest friends. I cried. I laughed. I went through 2 family deaths, 2 divorces, a new sibling, moved house. I forgave. I listened to too much My Chemical Romance, spent too much time talking to a stupid boy. I kissed girls and some. I drank too much, got too sick, too big, too pained. I fell over, and got up only to fall back down. I lost friends and found some again. I experienced addiction, dependance but also freedom and youth. We explored. Got into trouble. Got into trouble again. We had each other. Sometimes we didn’t. Everything was new and we were curious to learn. I met so many people along the way. I skipped school to line up for emo shows. Got bruised and battered and broken by crowds.

The thing is, my teenage years, everything was still there. My Nan had the same house and I had my Grandparents. The painted walls were fresh. I had grown up, but nothing had really changed.

Now my Mum’s face is wrinkled and sad even when she’s smiling. My dad’s hair is grey and his laugh is fretful. My Nan’s house is gone, and she moved. My Grandparents passed. The walls are peeling and mould is creeping up through the floor. Now it’s unfamiliar. Their house stayed, but changed. The bubbles are popping up on the floor board and the sofa sunk through. The record player doesn’t work anymore and the CD’s are scratched. The flowers are overgrown and the trees I’d climb got sick and fell over.

I found out about my Grandpa today. And tomorrow I’m 20. Beforehand, everything was new and I was just gaining experience. Now it’s just loss. I’m losing my friends and my connection to those naive memories. I’m losing what was always there.

And I’m hardly grown up yet, there’s still a long way to go. But I’d give anything to be 7 years old listening to a bed time story from my dad.

There’s just sadness. And then nothing.

Revitalising Old Clothes (and dealing with those that are too far gone)

In order to avoid doing my uni work today, I decided to at least be productive in another way. I did an over haul of my clothes – some of which have been in my “wardrobe” (its drawers and a clothes rack) – since I was about 15/16 years old back in 2012.

2012 for me, and for many, was a very emo year and was prime for a lot of post-/hardcore music. Going to too many Soundwaves and You Me At Six concerts has led me to having a lot of black band shirts and skinny jeans that were identical to what Hayley Williams wore on tour.

Living with these still in my clothes collection has been tough. My style has changed dramatically, but as a Student with only a part-time job and somewhat enough of a conscious to not want to buy from mass-producing fashion retailers, I’ve learnt to adapt these into something I can actually wear and feel good.

1. These are some classic skinny red jeans reminiscent of pretty much all kids in 2007 while Paramore rocked Warped tour in red and yellow jeans. Nowadays, I stray away from colour as I don’t like a lot of obnoxious, attention-capturing colours and patterns.However, these are a solid material and too good a fit to throw out.

Wearing:

  1. Levi’s Denim Jacket – bought it from an op shop in Melbourne for about $60. This one is either the exact same, or very similar.
  2. Textured black top – bought from St Vinnies a few years ago. Brand tag washed out.
  3. Dr Martens – not sure what exact kind but I reckon this is it.

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2. As my super emo Paramore stage continued, I bought the exact same pants that Hayley wore on their pacific rim and warped tour in 2011 I think. I have barely worn these and I bought them in 2011. I definitely wouldn’t wear these in daily life, probably when I’m going out to the city to dance etc.

Wearing:

  1. Asian style black top – I bought this top at Savers in Melbourne. It’s kind of a sheer material and is really long. In summer I wear as a dress with bike shorts underneath when I go out but winter I’d wear it just like this. It’s very long and has long sleeves as well.
  2. Black and White Split Jeans – I ordered these online. They’re from a brand called Tripp NYC. They do a bunch of different colour combinations of split-legged jeans. These are mine.
  3. Black school looking shoes – I bought these from Red Cross for $10 but any black shoes would do.

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3. This is one of my oldest band shirts. I got it from my sister when I was in Year 9 and I think she had it when she was in Year 8 so It’s about 10 years old. Classic AC/DC Dirty Deeds shirt. All band shirts can be re-worked the same but I’d just wear with denim, always.

Wearing:

  1. Levi’s Denim Jacket – linked above
  2. Old Levi Jeans – I got these jeans from a family friend when I was about 13. They were flared and gross at the ankle so I cut them into shorts and they are my go-to summer shorts now.Super comfy. I’d definitely recommend to save money, buy some jeans from an op shop and just cut the ugliness/ill-fitting parts off and use them as shorts. New denim shorts are so stupidly expensive and for me, they often don’t fit very well.

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4. At uni last semester, they had a clothes swap event on. I didn’t have any clothes to swap but I made a donation so I just grabbed something that looked cool. Unfortunately, it was a dress that I find fits me terribly. I’m not a very feminine girl at the best of times, and this dress is a singlet strapped, low-cut one that accentuates the top of your body and flows down. On its own, would never wear. However, combined with a few other pieces it is tops.

Wearing:

  1. Black Woollen Jumper – my nan got this for me from Target, I think any kind of jumper that is longish and free flowing at the bottom would work.
  2. Black Ankle length pants – these pants are from Uniqlo. They are somewhat tight, have pockets and elastic on the back of the belt. Some of my favourite pants when denim is just too stiff.

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So those are some of the clothes I chose to revitalise and keep in my collection. However, I am getting rid of a large number of pieces that for some reason I’ve held onto for the years. Without any sentimental value, when I get the time they’ll be either sold or donated. I urge everyone to not throw out their old clothes. So many resources are wasted on generating new clothes for big retailers to sell but these clothes already exist in what other people instead put in the garbage. Don’t add to the landfill. There are plenty of options when it comes to getting rid of old clothes but here’s a few:

If they’re in good condition:

  1. Shove them in a bag and take it down to the local charity bin. The Smith Family in NSW and ACT have bins set up all around the place which they recycle and/or give to disadvantaged children.
  2. Give to 2nd hand clothing store. Not-for-profit ones are good. Around Sydney and Australia there’s U-Turn Fashion, St Vinnies, Red Cross and Salvos which all (I think) accept donations.

If they’re not in good condition:

  1. Recycle textiles. Stores like H&M and the Planet Aid organisation assist with this. Or just look up where does it in your local area!!

Vegetarian Q&A

To get this blog rolling, I thought I’d put together a post, Q&A format. Whenever people find out I’m vegetarian, whether I’ve known them for 6 years or 6 minutes, they always ask the same few question.

These are some Veggie FAQs, answered based on my own personal point of view.

  1. Are you really vegetarian?!?
    Yes. I am really vegetarian.
  2. But, why?
    To be honest, this one gets really annoying. When I’m on break from work or we are casually hanging out, I never feel like going into this in-depth and serious so I usually answer with a sarcastic joke answer. To be honest though, I didn’t become vegetarian for the moral reasons. While I do disagree with the cruel animal treatment that occurs in the meat (and dairy etc) industries, the general idea of eating animals seems to me as a part of nature. Many carnivores exist throughout the animal kingdom naturally. However, the way most humans consume their meat/dairy/animal products is quite disgusting and environmentally unsustainable. The latter is my main motivation for boycotting meat. I’d recommend the documentary Cowspiracy because that can explain much better than I.
  3. Do you eat fish?
    No, I don’t. I understand many people choose to be pescetarian, maybe due to the intelligence level of most fish that they seem more disconnected/less similar. However, since my motivation is environmental – and the fishing industry is very damaging to the ocean’s ecosystem – I do not eat fish. I wasn’t a massive fan to begin with so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on much.
  4. Well, what do you eat then?
    This one is one of the ones that I find the funniest. I find it amusing when people act like meat needs to be included in every meal and as the primary aspect of each dish. Look back on society 100+ years – humans only were eating red meat 3x a week give or take. Meat consumption has grown exponentially within the last 100 years, how humans eat it now is unprecedented. To answer the question, I eat eggplant, capsicum, pastas, salads, mushrooms, nachos, kebabs… you’d be surprised how many of the same meals you can enjoy just without the meat elements.
  5. Does that mean you don’t eat egg/milk?
    Personally, I am not vegan. I would love to be able to dedicate to that but many of the alternatives I just can’t afford. I eat vegan when I can (vegan butter, milk supplements). And I don’t exceptionally like eggs too much either on their own. However, many foods I do eat have them as minor ingredients so I don’t cut them out entirely.
  6. Don’t you miss meat? Meat is the best~
    I’ll say yes. I miss meat pies and my mum’s beef lasagna and chicken schnitzel. But I find it easy to avoid these things keeping in mind why I became vegetarian. Plus, there are so many wonderful vegetarian options – I still get delicious food. It’s generally cheaper as well. The one thing I miss though is not having to worry about is the choice of vegetarian options when I go out to eat and just being able to eat anything.
  7. Where do you get your proteins from?
    Proteins come from a lot of things other than meats. I eat a lot of beans, lentils, chickpeas, etc. Personally, I’m not a fan of tofu or nuts however, I don’t have any known health issues so I am able to continue to avoid these. However, I wouldn’t recommend you do the same without making sure that it’s ok for you to do so.

These are the main ones I can think of, but if you have anymore – feel free to ask!!