lamplit presences and the unreturning light

“Years cannot move;

Nor Death’s disorienting scale

distort…”

– Gwen Harwood

I’m finding myself mourning the past, neglecting the present and worried for the future. Instead, I’m stuck in my head as my surroundings pass me like a movie scene that I’m merely viewing on a screen. The only reminder of my presence is the feel of wind on my skin, keeping me grounded but somehow never blowing me away. So I run to the ocean, where the breeze is strongest and the drops of the ocean are swept towards me with it. I stopped shaving my legs so the hairs sway against my skin, each as little reminders that I am here. The past is gone, but that’s okay. Nothing, not even time or Death, can take away memories. They are yours.

But then again,

Never is a really long time.

I miss you.

R.I.P.

Growing Up & Leaving Behind Your Teenage Years

It would be an understatement to say that my teenage years have been eventful at the very least. Tonight, on the eve of my 20th birthday and my last few hours as a teenager, I can’t help but reflect on my 13 year old self and reminisce on all those years spent growing up. The last few months, as the inevitability of my growing up-ness was realised, I couldn’t help but struggle to hold onto what I would be leaving behind. I’d become very nostalgic and overwhelmed with melancholy.

A lot happened in my teenage years. I was bullied and driven into depression by someone who I thought was one of my closest friends. I cried. I laughed. I went through 2 family deaths, 2 divorces, a new sibling, moved house. I forgave. I listened to too much My Chemical Romance, spent too much time talking to a stupid boy. I kissed girls and some. I drank too much, got too sick, too big, too pained. I fell over, and got up only to fall back down. I lost friends and found some again. I experienced addiction, dependance but also freedom and youth. We explored. Got into trouble. Got into trouble again. We had each other. Sometimes we didn’t. Everything was new and we were curious to learn. I met so many people along the way. I skipped school to line up for emo shows. Got bruised and battered and broken by crowds.

The thing is, my teenage years, everything was still there. My Nan had the same house and I had my Grandparents. The painted walls were fresh. I had grown up, but nothing had really changed.

Now my Mum’s face is wrinkled and sad even when she’s smiling. My dad’s hair is grey and his laugh is fretful. My Nan’s house is gone, and she moved. My Grandparents passed. The walls are peeling and mould is creeping up through the floor. Now it’s unfamiliar. Their house stayed, but changed. The bubbles are popping up on the floor board and the sofa sunk through. The record player doesn’t work anymore and the CD’s are scratched. The flowers are overgrown and the trees I’d climb got sick and fell over.

I found out about my Grandpa today. And tomorrow I’m 20. Beforehand, everything was new and I was just gaining experience. Now it’s just loss. I’m losing my friends and my connection to those naive memories. I’m losing what was always there.

And I’m hardly grown up yet, there’s still a long way to go. But I’d give anything to be 7 years old listening to a bed time story from my dad.

There’s just sadness. And then nothing.